(Photo stolen from Pinterest)
I’m a little apprehensive about sharing this pretty vulnerable post. Maybe it’s my fear of man and thinking you might think so much less of me now after you’ve read what I wrote. But, Reader, this is my heart, it’s ugly and I am praying that God can fix my heart and use this post to remind both of us where the treasure of our hearts should be centered on.
I used to cling to this verse like it was my constant prayer. I had forgotten that this used to be my favorite verse. “He has made all things beautiful in its time.”
I’ve been pretty…well…pretty emotionally anxious this week. Haha…my poor hubby. He’s been gracious with me. It all came to a tipping point Tuesday night when I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop for the next 30 minutes. I blurted out everything I was thinking that week.
I started wondering when things will FINALLY get going for us. I complained to God in my head about WHEN will Brian finally find a new job? WHEN we will have the go-ahead to start having kids? WHEN will I finally be a full-time photographer? Will we EVER own a house or move into a two-bedroom, at least? WHY do I have to be allergic to dogs so we had to give Begley up? (I’ve been missing having a dog a lot lately) WHY did I have to get in an accident in October so that we would only have one car now? WHY are my braces still on?
I heard myself complain about all these things…these things God has actually given as blessings to us when I was finding them to be a curse.
At least Brian has a job, a good job right now.
We can’t start the baby process yet because it’s not the right time.
I’m not a full-time photographer yet, because it’s not God’s time. (again, at least I have a job!)
At least we have a fun, little apartment in a nice area with friends around us.
We couldn’t have kept Begley anyway with how big he got!
At least we still have A car.
And I have braces so my teeth could be straight!
WHY AM I COMPLAINING??? Shake it off, Jenny, shake it off!
God knows all my wants and desires. He also knows what’s best for me and for Brian and our future family. He knows the appointed time and place and when things will happen and won’t happen.
I have much to be thankful for. There should not be a reason for me to complain. I have an amazing hubby who strives each day to care for me the way Christ cares for his church. I have a loving and generous family. I have a cute little apartment with all the fun gadgets we need. We are healthy and able to work.
I hate being like this when there is much worse suffering going on…parents loosing their children, children loosing their parents, marriages ending…so on and so forth. Lies tend to sneak up on me like God must be so disappointed in me for thinking and complaining about all he’s given me. But that’s not true at all!! That’s not grace or mercy. In fact, he delights in me! That’s grace! So crazy. So crazy to think he delights in me when I’m whining and asking for more when he’s already given me eternal life. He knew my sin before I was born and he still delighted in me.
The fact of the matter is, is that these things are temporary. We are living in a temporary home and all things will eventually turn to dust. The eternal things is what I need to live for. Eternal things like community in my church, serving my hubby, serving my future kids now, maintaining a quiet, humble, and teachable heart for the Lord.
The other fact of the matter is, is that God also knows my desires. They aren’t bad desires. They are desires that I would like to use to glorify him. I hope so badly to one day have a house where people who can’t afford a super nice wedding to be able to have it in our backyard for free, and for others who need a place whilst job hunting to stay for free. These aren’t bad desires. But he also knows the time and place for them. “A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.” (ecc. 3:6) Now, it’s time for me to wait. It’s time for me to worship and make much of Jesus. “He makes all things beautiful in its time.”
Jenny B.
